Doubt. Mostly, I doubt myself. I doubt myself because three years ago, my husband (who is 11 years my senior) and I split up because we found that our relationship had run its course. We no longer had anything to say to each other. We no longer wanted to be in each other’s arms. We no longer wanted to share our days and our nights together.
There is no doubt in our decisions. The doubt surfaces when I realize that as a 60-year-old woman who wants to date someone my age and financial situation, I have found that the men in my age group and social level can afford to have girlfriends who are 20-30-40 years younger than they are. I can compete with my brain–I have degrees in journalism and engineering and a Master’s degree–but I can no longer compete with my body and my looks. I gave birth to two bright young men. My stomach is flat, but it is also wrinkled, as is other parts of my body. I had to have a hysterectomy so that I would not bleed to death before I finally moved into menopause naturally. I no longer have the hormones for the body-wide firmness that a younger woman would naturally have, and the body that I USED to have for decades. AND, if men my age and social status want the young, beautiful trophy women, I DON’T want that type of man in my life.
I do not doubt my choice to split with the father of my children. I have doubt that I will be able to find a vital, intelligent, interesting man to share my life who is my age and not 70 to 80 years old. I doubt that I have the fortitude to accept this situation.